Well I drank 2 beers too many last night, just so I could sleep.
One of the biggest signs that my anxiety and depression are affecting me is that I can not get to sleep. Even though I feel completely exhausted at night, my brain just won’t shut off. Lack of sleep affects me really badly and I start to become emotional and overly sad.
Yesterday was no exception.
After publishing my first post I immediately felt better. Then went downhill fast. Hubby came home from the gym and we started working in the back yard, when he ducked out again to pick up some supplies from Bunnings.
I could not focus on what I needed to get done and realised I hadn’t eaten breakfast. Maybe a bit of food in my belly would help with my brain power. But I just couldn’t stomach it. My anxiety had taken my hunger away. I was half way through forcing my weetbix down when hubby returned.
He took one look at me and asked if I was ok. And I said, ‘I don’t feel well today’ as he tapped on my head in question. I nodded and then the tears started.
I have to admit I hate feeling this way. I hate being a burden, a problem. Worthless, and hopeless.
I sat there as he hugged me, and just let it be for a few moments. Then I knew I had to keep myself busy, so I got stuck into carting soil from the front driveway into the back yard. I carried on with this over the day as we worked hard in the 30 degree heat. I sweated, got stinky, realised I hadn’t put any deodorant on (something I often forget to do when feeling anxious – weird) and tried to push the thoughts out of my head.
Thoughts like how my kids would be if I wasn’t there. How they would live with the fact that their mum wasn’t around any more. Honestly speaking I never travel the path of how to go out, because I focus on how I don’t want to leave my kids behind. How I want to see them grow up, I want to see them – just see them everyday.
I’d had enough work by 4pm and rinsed off with a cold shower before popping over to one of our neighbours for a drink. The same neighbours had kindly offered to have the kids for a water play date whilst we finished off the yard work. Thank goodness for our wonderful community.
We stayed for a couple of hours, before my brain got the better of me and I had to come home. I start to feel uncomfortable, and need the comfort of home. The comfort of my lounge again. It was only early but I brought my little guy home too as he was still not well. It was not even 7pm.
I sat on the lounge and had a couple more beers whilst watching a movie, as all I wanted was to be able to fall asleep. There was no worry of that though as by the time I went to bed at 8.30 I’d had six beers and was feeling the affect.
I now sit here with a headache and although I’ve slept, I haven’t benefitted from it. My body instead of resting has spent the last night trying to rid my body of alcohol. And I still smell… Off to the shower to start a new day.