Day 4 – Stop pretending

Today is back to school for my daughter, back to kindy for my son, and back to work for me & hubby.

I think we were all a little sheepish today. Daylight savings has us in a mini fog, and this heat is adding to the tiredness. Day 4 of plus 30 degree temps in Sydney. Just unheard of for this time of year.

So back to the grind for the four of us.

I’m late writing this morning as i had a catch up session at the gym today. I missed last weeks due to the sickness in our home and I only remembered as I was falling asleep last night that I had planned to go today. I woke to my son telling me he had wet the bed. Our bed. He had crept in during the night (a habit he had gotten into whilst he was sick) and although he had been doing so well for the last few weeks, this morning he must have been extra tired and just did not wake up in time.

It was 5.45am. My response was to just get up with him and put on the shower. I woke my hubby who groaned unhappily, but he was due to get up at 6.00am so what did it matter. Doesn’t it feel better to wake up before your alarm anyway – so that you are not startled from your sleep?

See things like that don’t bother me. I don’t make a fuss with my son as i don’t want him to be upset about something that happens to everyone. I just get up and get on with the job.

He showered, and dressed for kindy, ate breakfast as I made his sisters lunch. I actually felt like I was in control this morning. I even managed to get the kids off to before school care & kindy with just enough time for me to make it to my training session.

And what a beautiful morning to arrive at Cronulla at the gym.


Chatting to my trainer, I told him about how hubby and i have started our eating clean program, to kick start my mood. I know that not eating well affects my brain and so now we are working on that together.

The session was good, and then as we finished I jumped on the scales… I had put on 2kgs in 2 weeks. There is that comfort eating I knew I had been doing. I knew I felt disgusting, and now the scales had confirmed it. I had not been this heavy since I first started at the gym – back when Ryder was only 9 weeks old. And whilst I don’t put pressure on myself to be ultra skinny, I do know my ‘happy’ weight range and I was 4kgs above that.

I have to stop pretending that I don’t care about my weight. I do. And I know at the moment, the fact I can’t fit into any of my shorts from last summer that I am holding that pain inside. So forgive me for wearing my #activewear to work, but it is all that fits me right now.

And it’s hit me – I was in a bikini in front of my neighbours yesterday. Oh gees, what a fat, white mess.  Mind you a did put the disclaimer in before jumping in the pool that I was a fat, white mess… so at least I pre-warned them. I’m seriously pale – fluro even at the moment. Like my skin is allergic to the sun. Guess I need to leave the house more. *sigh*

I know that to feel better about myself I will have to put some effort in. But I have been struggling to exercise without knee pain. (More on that story later, I’m not yet ready to delve deeper there. Though I will get it out – as I’m sure it will relieve me.)

If I am eating right, I hope to have more energy and feel like trying low impact exercising. Mind you the garden work I did the other day I have claimed as my cardio for this week. Though the eating I did over the long weekend more than cancelled that out.

It’s another day today, and whilst I am feeling lighter in the head space, I still have so many doubts. Doubtful I will be able to stick to our healthy eating plan (notice I didn’t say diet? I don’t diet – as I treat it as a ongoing plan to eat healthy), doubtful I will get some exercise in, doubtful it will make a difference to my brain or my body, doubtful I am worth it.

But I have to keep on challenging those thoughts.

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