Mental Health Month

Well, October is well an truly over, and I have finished my month of posts for Mental Health Awareness month. I have shared a lot about what goes on in this crazy little head of mine. Hopefully some of it has helped some of you to feel ‘normal’.

I would really like to thank every one who contacted me in their own little way to show support, share a similar story or just reach out. Anxiety and depression is only going to be easier to deal with when you let yourself be vulnerable enough to allow others to help. The voices in our heads are there to test us, and we have the power to turn the volume down.

It is so wonderfully okay to feel low. It is also a treat to feel good. You will survive both emotions and all the little twinges in between.

Don’t worry I’m not going to stop writing. I won’t be writing every day, but I am going to make the effort to write more often than I was. It is such good therapy for me.

And as always, I would love to hear what you are going to do to help improve your mental health.

Thanks for joining me!


Well I didn’t write anything yesterday. And it was a bit of a test for myself.

I wanted to see if I failed to write just for one day, would I be upset. Would it make me just give up on the whole thing.

What I actually found was that I didn’t get angry at myself, rather I realised just how much my writing was helping me.

When I write I can write anything. I just blurt it out onto the computer and hit publish. Well that is what I am doing this month anyway.

At times it is hard to talk, really talk about how I feel. Writing is much easier as I can use so many more words to describe how I feel, and what I’m thinking.

It helps me to process the chatter in my brain, to realise the real thoughts and the monster thoughts I can just ignore. It is a very cheap form of therapy and I don’t even need anyone to read it. Knowing that I’ve recorded it I can always go back and remember what works and what doesn’t.

It doesn’t matter how little or how  much I write so long as I make an effort to get back to my writing, everything gets a little bit easier.

Today is a day when I have nothing to say.

This is not a bad thing. Sometimes, the silence in my mind is a good thing.

I am enjoying the sunshine. I have been in the garden. I have been to the pool with the kids and got wet. Nothing strenuous, and my mind isn’t racing.

Tonight I am going out for drinks with friends, and I have told them many times I am coming. Now all I need to do is make sure I get there. I won’t let the anxiety creep in and tell me to stay home. I won’t think I have nothing interesting to say. I will not worry about anything.

My friends will even read this and laugh when I show my face.

I have great friends that can laugh at me.

I am pretty fucking funny after all.


Today I am tired. It is a regular Friday issue. I just want to curl up on the lounge and rest. At some point I usually do, with my 4 year old beside me, as we watch a movie and take a breather before the craziness of the weekend.

So today I’m looking back over my week and realise I have a lot to be grateful for.

I use my ‘gratitude’ notebook to write down 3 things everyday that I am grateful for. It helps me focus on the little things and be more mindful of them as they are happening.

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Sometimes it is the very small things like –

1. Coffee

2. Sunshine

3. Sleep

And it doesn’t matter how little the items are you are grateful for, or what they represent, to be grateful for anything in your day keeps you focusing on the positive, instead of the negative.

But you have to be honest, really honest.

No excuses – no saying your day was so bad there was nothing to be grateful for, because no matter what, you should always find at least one thing.

For example… if you have been shouting at the kids all morning, then when trying to get out of the house you have a car accident, and you end up with crying kids and a nappy explosion with no change of clothing left in your bag, plus being locked out of your house…you would be quite in your right mind to bitch and moan about how shit your day was. I would even supply you with a drink and mounds of chocolate.

Yet in this you could find something.

Be grateful that you managed to get out of the house, that the car is damaged but you are okay, that clothes can be washed – or thrown away – and you will laugh about it one day, and that you have learnt that you should hide a spare key for when you get locked out next time (because if you are anything like me, it will happen again!).

You can also be grateful that at the end of the day there is someone close by who cares about you and what you have just gone through and I’m sure that at a moments notice you will have company to vent about the shitty situations, and laugh about it in the future.

(Caution: rude words ahead…)



I think the price for perfectionism is the pain that you experience when you don’t reach the level of perfection that you hoped to.

All In The Mind | Australian Story – Gary McDonald (Monday, 5 October , 2015) 

I watched this episode of Australian Story on Monday night (as recommended by my mother-in-law) as part of the ABC’s Mental As program this week.

It struck so many cords of similarity in my own way of thinking. Garry McDonald talks about perfectionism and using CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy) as a way of managing the thoughts in your head. I have, and continue, to use this process when I’m in a fog.

Take today for instance. I am smiling and social. It is after all Wednesday – and I’ve just finished my Wednesday coffee catch up at my place. It has become a tradition that on Wednesday morning after school drop off, a group of friends will pop into my place to enjoy a home made coffee on my sparkling machine.

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I love it. I love that it isn’t always the same group, depending on prior arrangements, but that everyone sits and chats. It gives me that social catchup I need in my week. Otherwise I don’t think I would see anyone except for drop off and pick up times. And sometimes, I just want to get home – to my safety net.

But now that everyone has gone, I’m alone with my fog. I am tired, after a restless night with the 4 year old, and it is compounding on my lack of focus and will power.

So now comes the tough part. I have to challenge my thoughts. It is almost like I have to talk back to my brain.

Brain: No one will care if you lie down on the lounge all day today.

Me: I have to work.

Brain: No you don’t. Your hopeless at it anyway.

Me: No, I have to write my post first.

Brain: Then lie down and do nothing.

Me: I could, but then I’ll end up behind in my work. And I will feel worse.

Brain: Perfect.

Me: No it is not perfect. I don’t want to feel worse.

Brain: I can make you feel worse.

Me: Shut up. I’m putting some music on to drown you out.

And now I’m distracting myself by listening to one of my playlists on Spotify. It is upbeat and gets me wanting to dance. I’ve turned it up loud enough to only be able to hear ‘Me’ and not ‘Brain’.

Here it is if you want a listen and need to drown out the voices, or as I call them – the monsters in my head


I would love to know what you use as your own distraction…

Today is back to school for my daughter, back to kindy for my son, and back to work for me & hubby.

I think we were all a little sheepish today. Daylight savings has us in a mini fog, and this heat is adding to the tiredness. Day 4 of plus 30 degree temps in Sydney. Just unheard of for this time of year.

So back to the grind for the four of us.

I’m late writing this morning as i had a catch up session at the gym today. I missed last weeks due to the sickness in our home and I only remembered as I was falling asleep last night that I had planned to go today. I woke to my son telling me he had wet the bed. Our bed. He had crept in during the night (a habit he had gotten into whilst he was sick) and although he had been doing so well for the last few weeks, this morning he must have been extra tired and just did not wake up in time.

It was 5.45am. My response was to just get up with him and put on the shower. I woke my hubby who groaned unhappily, but he was due to get up at 6.00am so what did it matter. Doesn’t it feel better to wake up before your alarm anyway – so that you are not startled from your sleep?

See things like that don’t bother me. I don’t make a fuss with my son as i don’t want him to be upset about something that happens to everyone. I just get up and get on with the job.

He showered, and dressed for kindy, ate breakfast as I made his sisters lunch. I actually felt like I was in control this morning. I even managed to get the kids off to before school care & kindy with just enough time for me to make it to my training session.

And what a beautiful morning to arrive at Cronulla at the gym.


Chatting to my trainer, I told him about how hubby and i have started our eating clean program, to kick start my mood. I know that not eating well affects my brain and so now we are working on that together.

The session was good, and then as we finished I jumped on the scales… I had put on 2kgs in 2 weeks. There is that comfort eating I knew I had been doing. I knew I felt disgusting, and now the scales had confirmed it. I had not been this heavy since I first started at the gym – back when Ryder was only 9 weeks old. And whilst I don’t put pressure on myself to be ultra skinny, I do know my ‘happy’ weight range and I was 4kgs above that.

I have to stop pretending that I don’t care about my weight. I do. And I know at the moment, the fact I can’t fit into any of my shorts from last summer that I am holding that pain inside. So forgive me for wearing my #activewear to work, but it is all that fits me right now.

And it’s hit me – I was in a bikini in front of my neighbours yesterday. Oh gees, what a fat, white mess.  Mind you a did put the disclaimer in before jumping in the pool that I was a fat, white mess… so at least I pre-warned them. I’m seriously pale – fluro even at the moment. Like my skin is allergic to the sun. Guess I need to leave the house more. *sigh*

I know that to feel better about myself I will have to put some effort in. But I have been struggling to exercise without knee pain. (More on that story later, I’m not yet ready to delve deeper there. Though I will get it out – as I’m sure it will relieve me.)

If I am eating right, I hope to have more energy and feel like trying low impact exercising. Mind you the garden work I did the other day I have claimed as my cardio for this week. Though the eating I did over the long weekend more than cancelled that out.

It’s another day today, and whilst I am feeling lighter in the head space, I still have so many doubts. Doubtful I will be able to stick to our healthy eating plan (notice I didn’t say diet? I don’t diet – as I treat it as a ongoing plan to eat healthy), doubtful I will get some exercise in, doubtful it will make a difference to my brain or my body, doubtful I am worth it.

But I have to keep on challenging those thoughts.

Well yesterday started out anxious and full of flutter.

Grand Final day in the Rugby League and we were having a small BBQ at our place. My anxiety was purely from the alcohol I’d had the day before, and knowing that I had to get the place ready for our visitors. I went up to the shops to pick up a few bits and pieces, and once there, realised i could not decide on what to buy.

I often have lack of focus when dealing with anxiety. Combine that with a weary head and I could not put two thoughts together.  I’m sure it would have looked funny on the outside we me just wandering the aisles aimlessly. But at least I wasn’t talking to myself as well… So the shopping trip took a little longer than expected but I did get there in the end.

Oh had a few ‘fail’ moments yesterday as well. Completely had no idea daylight savings had kicked in, so spent the first few hours of the day thinking we had all had a sleep in and gotten out of bed at 8am. Well technically we had, though I did not benefit from an extra hours sleep. Then had that feeling I was running late all day.

Made some sorbet for dessert in my Thermomix. For any thermogeeks out there I forgot to mill my sugar first, so I’d put the berries in, plus all the ice, then removed half of the ice again (read the recipe again) and realised I had to put in half the amount of ice at a time. Then mixed everything – ah shit forgot the egg white, opened the lid, cracked an egg – ah shit didn’t separate the egg white, had to scoop the yolk out with my hand (they were clean I promise) – it was now I realised I forgot the sugar, oh well who needs sugar. And then just processed the shit out of it and stuck it in the freezer.

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Don’t tell anyone…

Any how, the day was lovely spending the afternoon with old friends and their kids. My anxiety was at bay, actually I didn’t even think about it all evening. Watching the grand final game, and being surrounded by people who have known me for years just made me feel comfortable and ‘at home’.

Mind you the game was a great on to watch and I’m not ashamed to say that I love my footy. I love my sport actually. I’m so happy that JT got his fairytale ending. It was amazing to watch all the ups and downs. And see all the tears flowing freely from grown men. I feel for Ben Hunt and dropping the ball. My heart went out to him – as he has been amazing all year. I know that’s what I’ll remember instead of one moment in the GF. Hopefully he will too.

I’m now enjoying a morning on the back deck having a late breakfast date in the sun with my hubby. We are watching the 49ers NFL match as I am following Jarryd Hayne with interest. Did I say I love my footy? Well I don’t care the code. Watching sport is one of those happy feelings for me. Win, lose or draw, I have a tonne of respect for the mental challenges professional athletes go through. I almost said toughness, but they are no different to you and me. They struggle, they have constant battles to be the best and take it hard when they make professional mistakes. It can mean their careers.

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Hopefully my truthfulness hasn’t meant the end to my career.


Well I drank 2 beers too many last night, just so I could sleep.

One of the biggest signs that my anxiety and depression are affecting me is that I can not get to sleep. Even though I feel completely exhausted at night, my brain just won’t shut off. Lack of sleep affects me really badly and I start to become emotional and overly sad.

Yesterday was no exception.

After publishing my first post I immediately felt better. Then went downhill fast. Hubby came home from the gym and we started working in the back yard, when he ducked out again to pick up some supplies from Bunnings.

I could not focus on what I needed to get done and realised I hadn’t eaten breakfast. Maybe a bit of food in my belly would help with my brain power. But I just couldn’t stomach it. My anxiety had taken my hunger away. I was half way through forcing my weetbix down when hubby returned.

He took one look at me and asked if I was ok. And I said, ‘I don’t feel well today’ as he tapped on my head in question. I nodded and then the tears started.

I have to admit I hate feeling this way. I hate being a burden, a problem. Worthless, and hopeless.

I sat there as he hugged me, and just let it be for a few moments. Then I knew I had to keep myself busy, so I got stuck into carting soil from the front driveway into the back yard. I carried on with this over the day as we worked hard in the 30 degree heat. I sweated, got stinky, realised I hadn’t put any deodorant on (something I often forget to do when feeling anxious – weird) and tried to push the thoughts out of my head.

Thoughts like how my kids would be if I wasn’t there. How they would live with the fact that their mum wasn’t around any more. Honestly speaking I never travel the path of how to go out, because I focus on how I don’t want to leave my kids behind. How I want to see them grow up, I want to see them – just see them everyday.

I’d had enough work by 4pm and rinsed off with a cold shower before popping over to one of our neighbours for a drink. The same neighbours had kindly offered to have the kids for a water play date whilst we finished off the yard work. Thank goodness for our wonderful community.

We stayed for a couple of hours, before my brain got the better of me and I had to come home. I start to feel uncomfortable, and need the comfort of home. The comfort of my lounge again. It was only early but I brought my little guy home too as he was still not well. It was not even 7pm.

I sat on the lounge and had a couple more beers whilst watching a movie, as all I wanted was to be able to fall asleep. There was no worry of that though as by the time I went to bed at 8.30 I’d had six beers and was feeling the affect.IMG_5261

I now sit here with a headache and although I’ve slept, I haven’t benefitted from it. My body instead of resting has spent the last night trying to rid my body of alcohol. And I still smell… Off to the shower to start a new day.


It is Saturday morning, and I have been lying to myself for weeks.

I have been in a funk for over a month, and am just sailing through the days. I have been telling myself I’m fine – but really I am coasting along. Annoyed at myself for being so boring. I get up every morning, and go through the motions. Barely scraping by. I’m not exercising enough. Not eating healthy, and turning into the person who sits on the couch at any time i’m not looking after the kids. I’ve turned to my phone & iPad to play games rather than interact with the world. I just don’t think I have anything to offer.

Farkkkkkkkk, I need to do something.

IMG_5252So here it is.

After posting photos on Facebook yesterday of my 4 year old son eating a mango – I realised at that moment we looked happy and ready for summer. But in truth, he was sick with a virus, and other than being off the lounge to eat that piece of fruit he spent the rest of the day on the lounge sleeping and dealing with a high temp.

I was lying again.

I never tell the truth on social media – or that is I never document the shitty, hard, and sometimes down right exhausting. So this month I’m changing that. I’m going to record the everyday. The bad, the ugly, the terrifying, and the normal.

Starting right now.

IMG_5256This is me. At 8.30am this morning.

And no I’m not going for a run. I’m out the back waiting for my hubby to return from the gym (yes thats right i’m on my ass again whilst everyone else is out to greet the morning) so I can help him get stuck into a day of gardening. No makeup, no filter, no professional camera, just me.

I have to push myself to just get out of the back door of my house. I feel so much more comfortable on the lounge – hiding away from everything, that even sitting outside on a nice day is a challenge at times.

I have set a challenge for myself for the rest of the month – seeing as October is Mental Health month – I’m going to tell the truth. No more sugar coating, no more ‘how happy are we’. Just real every day mental as bullshit.

No editing, no filter, just real 100% me.

So please be kind – I will be writing as I think – no revisions on my spelling, grammar or otherwise. This is words per minute.

Here goes nothing…

#mentalas #crazymummy #itsthelittlethings